OUR SEARCH FOR MEANING By Robert Gordon, M.S., M.A.      If only holiday happiness was delivered with the certainty of holiday gifts.      Contrary to the joy that the holidays invite, some of us become painfully aware of the incongruity between the ideals of love, kindness, and connection and the reality of strained family relations, stretched finances, and feelings of isolation. There is nothing like the holidays to reflect the discrepancy between what we wish for in life and what we get.      At such times it is useful to remember our power to choose the way we respond to life. I recently re-read Man’s Search for Meaning, the late Victor Frankl’s legendary account of his experience as a Nazi concentration camp inmate. His book is equally well-known for its exposition of logotherapy, Frankl’s meaning-driven method of psychotherapy that was infused by his experience.      During his years of internment, ending only when his camp was freed by the Allies, Frankl endured a daily struggle for survival. He was challenged to find courage, dignity, and generosity within himself, and to choose them over self interest and despair. In Frankl’s view, the fundamental feature of humanity is the capacity to make that choice. He wrote, “The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity – even under the most difficult circumstances – to add a deeper meaning to his life.”      Conversely, Frankl observed, “…in the bitter fight for self-preservation [a man] may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal.” Many of his fellow prisoners, not unlike their captors, surrendered to the animal within themselves. Frankl admitted his own failings: “…I have to confess here that only too rarely had I the inner strength to make contact with my companions in suffering and that I must have missed many opportunities for doing so.”      In Frankl’s view, one of the prime determinants of thriving in life, along with recognizing the power to choose our responses to it, is the capacity to envision a future worth living. He writes of counseling two would-be suicides. In both cases, the patients declared that they had nothing more to expect from life. Frankl helped each of them to acknowledge and appreciate what life still expected from them. For the first man it was the child he adored. For the second it was his unfinished scientific work and writing.       The idea of “what life expects from us” took root in my career counseling work several years ago when I observed that careers undertaken without the conscious intention to serve something greater than oneself were ultimately unfulfilling, not only for my clients but for those their work was intended to serve.  I first encountered the relationship between service and meaning in educator Parker Palmer’s idea that “true vocation joins self and service” and theologian Frederick Buechner’s definition of vocation as “the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” More recently, in an open letter to his daughters, President Barack Obama wrote, “It's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential." It was this line of thought that led me from a 25-year career in organizational work to an “early-out” retirement so that I could find that place where mydeep gladness meets the world’s deep hunger – counseling. Paraphrasing Frankl, I find meaning in my life by helping others find theirs.      This year, if my clients’ winter gremlins surface and they’re left wondering if their faith in a divine, loving presence should be trusted, I will refer back to my now dog-eared copy of Man’s Search for Meaning to remind them, and myself, that our ability to choose life “in spite of everything,” to practice keeping our hearts open to our loved ones, and to serve life, may be the ultimate holiday blessing. NEWS FLASH: New Study Says Psychotherapy Better For You Than Money      According to a new study published last month in the journal Health Economics, Policy and Law, psychotherapeutic counseling may make people happier than if they simply made more money. Researchers at England’s University of Warwick found that it would take a pay raise of more than $41,542 to equal the happiness boost that came from a $1,329 course of counseling. The study notes that the benefits of good mental health are not fully understood and that non-directive counseling has a powerful effect on well-being.

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Nathan Gehlert, M.S., NCC      Nathan Gehlert believes most marriages can benefit from a little preventative medicine. “As someone who is really passionate about marriages and helping people in relationships, I think many people get married before putting a lot of effort into what the marriage will be about,” he explains. “There’s a real movement toward preventative medicine right now, and I really feel that doing premarital work with couples is along those lines – ‘preventative mental health work.’”      Gehlert, a Ph.D. candidate and PC&CC therapist, recently completed a day-long training in premarital couples counseling while attending the Imago International conference in Albuquerque, N.M., in October. “It was my first Imago conference and someone said before I went that it would be like a big family reunion – it was just like that,” he said, noting how powerful it was to spend time with such a large group of Imago therapists. “I was amazed at both the diversity and the similarity of interests. The energy of everyone, the passion for the work – that’s larger than what we’re all doing on a daily basis with our clients.”      Having completed the premarital training, Gehlert plans to offer a day-long workshop for premarital couples in late spring. “It is similar to the ‘Getting the Love You Want’ workshops, but distilled into one day. We focus more on understanding problems, giving practical skills and tools for wedding planning, conversations to have, how to involve family members, making sure to have the wedding you want while not hurting relationships,” he said.      Gehlert recently passed his Ph.D. qualification examination at Loyola University in Maryland and has begun working on his dissertation. His research will test part of the Imago theory of relationships. “I’m really interested in that initial thing that goes on to attract us to the people we end up with. There is that initial chemistry that’s either there or isn’t. Why do we pick this one person?” he explains. “Imago theorizes that we pick partners who resemble our parents and I want to see if that really is true. Having thought about that in my life, and being curious about people in general, I find it an exciting area of inquiry. I also like this area because it’s not so esoteric – I can explain it to people.”      Gehlert has the support of Imago founder Harville Hendrix, who reached out to him last spring to begin talking about his research plans. Together they have been talking about ways that Imago Relationships International (IRI) can form partnerships with universities in order to train more therapists and invite more research opportunities. “The phrase Harville uses is ‘strategic alliance.’ The idea is that both the university and IRI can benefit from that relationship.      “Loyola’s ultimate goal is to teach people to be great clinicians, but the university also has a social justice mission to bring healing to the world. The goals of IRI are similar, healing the world one relationship at a time,” Gehlert adds.      In addition to his research plans, Gehlert continues to counsel couples and individuals, while also co-leading the QuarterLife+10 young adult therapy group. “Five years ago, even a year or 6 months ago, I could not have imagined a better place for myself if I had tried to map it out,” he says. “It feels like I’m in the right place at the right time. I want to make use of these opportunities.” Gehlert practices at PC&CC’s offices in Foggy Bottom and Capitol Hill. His website is www.therapydc.com. He may be reached at 202-449-3789 x716.

REFERRAL CORNER: Holiday Grief      Despite the festive decorations and cheery holiday events on the calendar, this time of year may be the most difficult for those of us who have lost a loved one. Whether a person’s grief is new or long-standing, it is very common to re-experience that loss at such “anniversary moments.”      For some, the recognition that a holiday will be different without that person creates a sense of dread about the occasion that leads to avoidance and isolation. For others, the reaction can come as a surprise, or what Alan Wolfelt describes as sudden “grief attacks” or “memory embraces” in his book Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal. While he acknowledges that many bereaved people do not ask for support and therefore suffer alone on such anniversary days, he notes the importance of finding help and “mapping” the way to getting it.       Knowing that a grief response is completely normal, even when it contrasts from the expected holiday cheer, is part of acceptance. All of us experience grief at some point in our lives and we can make the choice to help ourselves heal. While it takes practice to treat yourself with compassion when these moments occur, it is the sort of discipline that builds on itself and moves us into the space of helping others as they face the same challenges. -Stacy Notaras Murphy

PC&CC NEWS & NOTES PC&CC is proud to announce that Cate Shea Riihimaki has expanded our practice into serving the student population at the Madeira School in McLean, Va. Cindy Thurston Bare has joined the Mid-Atlantic Association for Imago Therapists (MAIT) book club. They are currently reading Susan Johnson’s Hold Me Tight. Johnson was the keynote speaker at the recent Imago conference in Albuquerque, N.M. Joanne Comstock has attended a workshop for professors teaching clinical case assessment at Loyola University in Maryland that examined evidenced-based treatment models. Bob Gordon will deliver the second session of his two-part workshop, “A Healthy and Holistic Approach to Money Management,” for the University of Maryland Baltimore Campus. The workshop combines cognitive and behavioral strategies to manage personal finances and contain compulsive spending. Bob presented an introductory workshop on Imago Relationship Therapy for the staff of the Montgomery County branch of YMCA Youth and Family Services, where he is completing a counseling internship. He also facilitated a day-long team-building consultation for a local wellness center. The ongoing QuarterLife+10 therapy group for unmarried professionals in their mid-20s to mid-30s is open to additional members. Topics include work/career, spirituality, relationships, and exploring the question "Where do I want to be in 10 years?" For more information, please contact Nathan Gehlert at 202-449-3789 x716 or email him. Our next two-day “Getting the Love You Want” workshops for couples will be Jan. 25-27. Please call 202-449-3789 x701 for more information.       A GIFT FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING?      Consider giving him the life-changing chance to clear his mind, recharge his batteries, and reconnect with his best intentions. We are reserving places for next summer's Fly-Fishing for the Soul: Alaskan Wilderness Adventure Aug. 6-15. Visit our website or call Carl Siegel at 202-669-6417 for more information.

RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Holiday Cheer      “‘Tis the season to be jolly…”      “Joy to the world…”      This month you certainly will hear songs with those words or receive cards wishing your family joy and a merry season. I have been thinking a lot about joy. My son just turned one and we had a party for him. Because it was a child’s birthday, all of us adults had permission to act silly. We wore party hats, played kids games, and rolled on the floor. That afternoon was so full of joy and laughter!      As you celebrate this season with your family and loved ones, take the time to be jolly, amused, animated, festive, humorous, jubilant, refreshed, and full of wonder. Allow yourself to act like a one-year-old with permission, to enjoy life without thinking and worrying about gifts to buy or to receive. In this season of joy, Smile Snuggle up Have a dance party Tell knock-knock jokes Act silly       Celebrate the pleasure of just being alive! -Kerley Perminio Most

The Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Center of Greater Washington
7003 Piney Branch Road, NW | Washington DC, 20012
7 Convenient Locations in DC Metro Area
www.pastoralcounselingdc.com | 202-449-3789