By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, M.S., LGPC

     What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about couples or family therapy? If you are a therapist, you might dread what may be your most difficult clients. If you are a layperson, you might imagine bickering, fighting, he said/she said. Who is right? Will I convince the therapist to join my side?

     Therapy traditionally focuses on solving problems and, in a conflict, there is likely to be a winner and a loser. There are couples who sigh at the thought of counseling as they doubt there is any hope for resolving their differences. While some may choose to terminate the relationship, we would much prefer a couple to stay together. With a whopping national divorce rate, new methods of approaching marital conflict are necessary.

     Imago Relationship Therapy is on the cutting edge of couples therapy. Its increasing popularity is due to its effectiveness in healing the ruptures in relationships and making room for passion.

     One of the best things about Imago is its emphasis on safety. Therapy is no longer to confirm what you already know is wrong about your spouse or to convince the therapist to align with you, but a realization that whatever is going on in the relationship is equally due to both of you. It is sometimes hard to believe that the same person who was your friend when you got married has become your enemy. The only way to redevelop trust and rekindle connection is to feel safe. If you do not feel safe you cannot fully show up with your entire being in a relationship.

     It is no wonder why couples who do not feel safe with each other are apprehensive about entering counseling. What husband wants to pay money to hear himself get blamed and shamed by his wife in front of a stranger? What wife wants to pay to be told it is her problem, that she is wrong, and that these are the changes she must make? This model only contributes to further discord. Creating an atmosphere of safety makes seeking assistance much more inviting. I have successfully been able to encourage otherwise unwilling parties to engage in a counseling session solely because I assured them that they would not be ridiculed or ganged up against. Safety must be primary in any counseling experience, as without it one cannot rekindle connection.

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     Weddings are popular affairs these days, and many of us working in the helping field are well aware that some couples are more fixated on the promise of the celebration day rather than the long-term requirements for the marriage.

     Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of the eHarmony dating website urges couples to proceed with caution when trying to determine if a match is forever. He recommends the following topics for discussion before couples make a life-long commitment:

     Make sure the decision is your own – Only the partners in a relationship have the information required to make the decision of whether to stay together.

     Verify your partner’s emotional health – Expecting that a partner’s personality or behavior will just change over time is a recipe for disappointment.

     Consider the advice of friends and family – If someone you trust has real concerns about your relationship with a partner, it may be advisable to listen to his point. “Sometimes we have blind spots that can only be seen by others. When another person knows us well, they can often bring a new and meaningful perspective about us and our relationships; this perspective is frequently more accurate than we at first may think it to be,” Warren says.

     Don’t rush to the altar – Warren admonishes couples to take their time when deciding on a match. “A bad mistake is a thousand times more devastating than the loss of a few weeks together. If you can avoid this ‘bad mistake’ by moving slowly, you will thank yourself thousands of times for your patience and reflection,” he advises.

     Watch for changes in enthusiasm – Once the initial excitement of the new relationship wears off, there may be less attractive qualities that start to surface. Warren suggests paying close attention to these “crucial signs.”

     Get professional counseling – Working with a counselor even before you are engaged is a tremendous gift to yourself.

     Be completely honest with yourself – “You may want desperately to get married, but you need to assess the likely success of your relationship in the long term,” Warren advises. Taking a step back from the relationship is a vital part of objective decision-making.

Information found at eHarmony.com.

     More and more, the path to holistic well-being may include different ways of looking at old problems. When appropriate, PC&CC counselors may recommend an alternative therapeutic approach to augment traditional psychotherapy, such as bibliotherapy, psychopharmacology, and even alternative health approaches. Evan Rabinowitz, M.Ac. DIPL.Ac.(NCCAOM), is one of those preferred providers for acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine.

     A certified acupuncturist, Rabinowitz practices a complete medical system incorporating acupuncture, herbal medicine, dietary therapy, Qi Gong (energy cultivation), and life-style counseling. This approach is the oldest practicing medical tradition in the world and is the primary form of health care for one-third of the world's population. According to Rabinowitz, health is not just the absence of disease, but a dynamic balance between our inner landscape and the ever-changing outer world.

     Rabinowitz works with many counselors and clients undergoing various forms of psychotherapy, and finds that acupuncture can be an excellent complement to that work. From his perspective, there is no separation between body, mind, emotions, and the higher spiritual dimensions of a person. As trauma and emotional stagnation begin to change while one undergoes therapy, this transformation often results in very real physical symptomatology. He says that acupuncture offers a precise means of understanding and treating this relationship, Rabinowitz adds, noting that the converse also is true. That is, that after certain blockages are removed through acupuncture treatment, psychotherapy also may be highly effective.

     Rabinowitz received his masters of acupuncture from the Traditional Acupuncture Institute, in Columbia Maryland. He was recognized by the U.S. Department of Health for an "outstanding contribution to Asian Medicine" in 2002. He also serves as a faculty member of Miami's Academy for Five Element Acupuncture.

For more information about Evan Rabinowitz's practice, please visit http://www.evanrabinowitz.com/index.htm

     Sometimes many of us may feel as though we have fallen out of love with our partners. Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW, an Imago Therapist and director of the Relationship Learning Center in Winter Park, Fla., has compiled a list of 60 “starter ideas” for reigniting the passion and even “having an affair with your own partner or spouse.” Her tips include:

-Call him unexpectedly just to say you love him and were thinking of him.

-Call her just to tell her one thing you appreciate about her.

-Send him/her flowers (home, office, hotel room) “just because,” or “thank you for. . .,” or “because I love you,”, etc.

-Send a fax to work or hotel (or an e-mail) saying that you love her and can't wait to be with her again.

-When you come home, find him and just hold him close for a moment – no words are necessary.

-Call her at 10am and tell her you are going to take her out to lunch.

-When you walk by him at home, touch him, or give a hug or caress.

-Wake up to the day as if it was “the first time” you were alone with your spouse. Greet her enthusiastically, sit and just look lovingly at her for a few moments, and ask about her day while listening and trying to let her know you understand.

     For more of Lipthrott’s relationship tips, visit her site http://www.relationshipjourney.com/.