Most
of us could admit
having a love-hate
relationship with
Valentine's Day.
We might remember
the excitement
of getting roses
from a new love
or trading candy
hearts with childhood
friends, but we
also can't forget
old heartbreaks
or ignore new loneliness.
And the holiday's
presumptive focus
on those who have
a "special
someone" can
make others feel
like they're being
asked to celebrate "Singles
Awareness Day." Restaurants
are often at their
worst on V-Day,
corporations often
appear to have
taken over the
entire holiday,
and the whole ordeal
can seem to merely
marginalize singles
while placing extra
pressure on couples.
Is there any redeeming
quality to Valentine's
Day?
As
unappealing as
some now find it,
many still believe
in the value of
an intentional,
simultaneous, and
wide-ranging moment
of appreciation
for love and connection.
A few years ago
the Imago community
set out to reclaim
Valentine's Day
for celebration
of true connection
and growing love
between committed
partners. Their "Keeping
It Real" initiative
aims to rescue
Valentine's Day
from materialism
and satire by encouraging
couples to use
the day to reconnect
and focus on the
positive parts
of their relationships.
I
recently attended
a workshop for
Imago therapists
during which the
presenters asked
participants to
close their eyes
and think back
to the early days
of a meaningful
love relationship.
We were invited
to think about
how it felt to
look in another
person's eyes and
hear their stories
for the first time.
When the meditation
was over, one of
the participants
admitted, "I
don't want to leave
this!" The
other attendees
chuckled in agreement.
With the pains
of daily life and
what one of my
clients refers
to as the "list
of injuries" between
partners, it can
be challenging
to refocus on earlier,
happier memories.
But
there are tremendous
benefits to talking
with a partner
about the happy
parts of the past
as well as the
present. A common
Imago metaphor
describes positive
dialogues as the
fuel that keeps
a relationship's
engine going over
rough terrain.
Maybe this Valentine's
Day could serve
as that filling
station along the
path in your relationship.
Take time to refuel
through exchanging
intentional gratitude
- spoken appreciations,
rather than insinuations
via flowers and
chocolate.
There
is a reason that
terms like Singles
Awareness Day have
entered the zeitgeist
- many of us are
not "coupled" for
any number of reasons,
including choice
and circumstance.
But if Valentine's
Day can serve as
a day of reconnection,
there are so many
things that all
of us, singles
included, can do
to take care of
ourselves. It might
mean making intentional
plans with friends,
setting a blind
date, or even ignoring
the calendar entirely,
all for the benefits
of emotional refueling.
Fighting
against the presumptiveness
and materialism
of Valentine's
Day is an enormous
task, especially
with Hallmark and
Godiva's Goliaths
setting false expectations
all around us.
But as we know
from the Imago
approach of validating
experiences and
asking for small
adjustments, tiny
shifts in thinking
often lead to big
changes.
THERAPIST
SPOTLIGHT:
A Journey's
End is Only
the Beginning
You
might think that
after three extended
trips to South
Africa in a single
year, PC&CC's Rebecca
Sears must
be looking forward
to spending some
time at home. In
order to train
therapists in Imago
Relationship theory
(pictured at left),
Sears has endured
18-hour plane rides,
skyrocketing travel
costs, fluctuating
U.S. currency values,
and ever-present
safety concerns.
Yet her conclusion
after all this
is simple: "I
want to keep doing
more."
"I
learned a great
deal about myself," Sears
explains. "I
feel very much
that I am doing
exactly what I'm
supposed to be
doing with my life." As
a result, she plans
to teach more Imago
theory here in
Washington this
month, Estonia
and Russia in March,
and will return
to South Africa
in July.
"I
find the South
Africans a very
intentional and
committed group,
in part because
their country is
still struggling
so much with issues
of becoming a democracy
after Apartheid," Sears
says. "Imago
students not only
see the value of
the approach for
couples, families,
and their own relationships,
but they really
see the value for
their country."
Sears
led 15 students
through the 96-hour
Imago training
over 12 days and
was accompanied
by PC&CC Executive
Director Carl
Siegel on two
of the three trips. "It
was a very diverse
group with psychologists,
social workers,
clergy, spouses,
coaches, and church
laypeople. Working
with people who
can see the broader
application of
relationship theory
is very fulfilling
for me, and this
class was also
so spiritually
and religiously
sound," she
says.
Still,
there were challenges
including remembering
to drive on left
side of road and
realizing that
it was not safe
to go out alone. "It's
a challenge for
me to step into
their culture and
just listen to
what it's like
for them. The generous
spirits of the
class and the wonderful,
historic exciting
things to see and
learn have made
these trips an
adventure that
has added to the
richness and diversity
in my life," Sears
says.
"I
want to be a part
of that ripple
effect that begins
in people's personal
lives and moves
throughout the
entire society," Sears
explains. "I
continued to learn
that when safety
is present and
a structure is
invited, miracles
of healing and
growth happen.
One trainee was
a pastor from a
tiny platinum-mining
town in the north.
He said he learned
more in this training
than all his university
and theological
study put together,
and much of what
helped him learn
came from the power
of the training
group - not from
lectures, but from
interaction. What
an amazing example
of empowering one
another and increasing
the power of us
all as a whole." Sears will
be teaching the
first installment
of Imago's Flexible
Access Clinical
Training (FACT-A)
in Washington,
DC on Feb 27-28.
Contact her for
more information
at 202-229-3789
x702.
REFERRAL
CORNER: Anger
Management
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Although
most of us know
that anger is a
natural emotion,
in our culture
there is little
tolerance for those
who cannot control
their tempers.
As a result, many
learn to keep anger
inside and ignore
its roots, while
setting themselves
up for spontaneous,
and often damaging,
outbursts. PC&CC's Kathleen
Scheg is specially
trained in anger
management and
she says there
is hope for those
who want more constructive
ways to deal with
their anger.
"Anger
management refers
to a variety of
ways that people
attempt to control
or manage their
anger," Scheg
explains. "Anger
is a normal human
emotion that can
even serve positive
purposes, such
as when a parent
yells at a child
who is about to
go into a street
or stick a finger
into an electrical
socket. It can
also serve to let
someone know that
we are serious
in wanting them
to desist in behavior
that might harm
us or others." Scheg
notes the Biblical
example of Jesus
cleansing the temple
by expressing anger
in order to make
his point.
Yet,
Scheg adds that
destructive anger
must be managed
and not expressed
inappropriately.
She notes "For
example, the person
who has a difficult
day at work and
comes home and expresses
the anger at the
spouse or children. Or
the boss who vents
anger on an employee." Scheg
says that such
clients can benefit
from a formal anger
management program
such as "RTA:
Releasing and Transforming
Anger."
"Most
of the people who
come to the program
are self-referred. Interestingly,
even those who
are referred by
the court, employer
or spouse, know
that their anger
is keeping them
from being the
kind of person
they want to be," Scheg
adds. Over the
years, her RTA
groups have included
stay-at-home moms,
lawyers, business
people, college
students, nurses,
and ministers.
The
first breakthrough
that an anger management
client may expect
is the actual experience
of controlling
his anger - even
for a millisecond,
Scheg says. "From
that new found
ability to pause,
participants learn
to respond rather
than react to situations," she
notes.
Comprehensive
anger management
includes some exploration
of a person's history,
so as to understand
the roots of the
anger, identification
of what triggers
the person and
education based
on modern neuroscience
about how anger
affects the brain
and body. As a
certified Core
Energetics body-psychotherapist,
Scheg also includes
physical exercises
to release stress
and raise awareness
of the signs of
anger and ways
to manage it within
the body.
"It
is humbling and
gratifying on the
last day, when
each participant
shares an individual
commitment and
maintenance plan
that includes the
physical, mental,
emotional, volitional,
and spiritual tools
they will use to
go beyond just
managing their
anger into releasing
and transforming
that energy, so
that they can be
more loving and
creative people," Scheg
notes.
Kathleen Scheg
will lead a new
15-week series
of RTA: Releasing
and Transforming
Anger on Feb.
11 at PC&CC's
Takoma Park location.
Please contact
her at 202-449-3789
x710 for more
information.
PC&CC
News & Notes
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-This semester,
PC&CC's Dr.
Joanne Comstock is
teaching the pastoral
counseling capstone
pro-seminar course
at Loyola College
in Maryland. She
also is continuing
her own studies
by auditing a class
on spirituality
and trauma, part
of Loyola's post-graduate
certificate program.
-Our "Getting
the Love You
Want" workshops
for couples can
serve as excellent
premarital preparation
or as a way to
supercharge a
couple's ongoing
marriage counseling.
The weekend course
offers the equivalent
of 6 months in
couples counseling
work. Click here for
more information.
RELATIONSHIP
TIP OF
THE MONTH:
The Eyes
Have
It
In
romantic movies,
it's easy to tell
when a couple is
in love. We know
the formula: They
hold hands and
gaze into each
other's eyes across
the candlelit dinner
table. You can
almost hear their
hearts flutter, "I
am special! I am
chosen! I am desired!" By
the time the couple
seals the deal,
the movie is usually
over.
Years
later, their days
will look different.
The guy empties
the dishwasher
as the gal pours
herself a coffee
before racing out
the door. Once
at work, the couple
communicates through
hasty calls and
text messages.
Both arrive home
after an exhausting
day to face the
entire process
in reverse. Despite
their good intentions,
they are becoming
invisible to one
another.
During
this "month
of love," give
time as a gift
to your partner.
It only takes a
few minutes to
practice being
present. First,
remove any distractions.
Close your eyes
and slowly imagine
gathering your
frustrations and
assumptions about
your partner and
placing them on
a nearby shelf.
Quietly go to the
parts of yourself
which are warm
and curious. Remember
how it is to feel
childlike awe.
Now open your eyes
and see your partner,
the wondrous Mystery
with whom you share
your life. Using
only your eyes,
communicate appreciation,
availability, your
desire to know
and be known. Find
out what is possible
when you begin
to reconnect.
The Pastoral
Counseling and Consultation Center
of Greater Washington
7003 Piney Branch Road, NW | Washington
DC, 20012
7 Convenient Locations in DC Metro Area www.pastoralcounselingdc.com |
202-449-3789
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