February 2010 Vol. 4, Issue 2
Your connection to the latest news and information from PC&CC
 
 

Taking a Cue
From St. Valentine
By Norma Stevens, M.S., NCC
     With Valentine’s Day approaching, I have begun to wonder if its history has any lessons that we may apply to our relationships so as to, perhaps, make Valentine’s Day more meaningful this year.
    Valentine’s Day has its roots in the legends of  St. Valentine in third century Rome.  According to Catholic Online, St. Valentine was a priest and martyr during the Roman persecution of Christians under Claudius II. He was executed in 270 A.D. on February 14. While there is ample evidence that he existed, there are many legends surrounding his life.
    One story is that Valentine helped many Christians and married Christian couples who were persecuted during Claudius II’s reign. He was arrested and put in prison for his activities. Claudius eventually sentenced Valentine to death when he tried to convert the Emperor to Christianity. Another legend says that while in prison, he cured the jail keeper’s daughter from blindness. Another says that on the eve of his impending execution, he wrote a note to the jail keeper’s daughter and signed it “From your Valentine.”
    As I read the stories, two themes struck me. Valentine’s love for Christians and couples was sacrificial – he risked his life to help them. The second was his integrity – he paid the ultimate price to remain true to himself and his faith.
    The themes of sacrifice and integrity can apply to our interpersonal relationships. Our culture gives so many definitions of love; and yet many are distorted. One myth is that we always need to “feel” love. True love is not about feelings – it is a decision and sacrificial in nature. It’s a willingness at times to give something up for your beloved. I’m not talking about unhealthy sacrifice where one forfeits his whole person for the sake of the relationship, but rather a love where one puts the needs of the beloved before his own, while preserving integrity.
    In order to maintain our integrity, we need to be able to express our needs, dreams and frustrations honestly, yet in a loving and safe manner. Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Therapy, created the Dialogue to do just that. In the Dialogue, couples can safely communicate, especially on difficult topics, without criticizing or shaming the other.
    This Valentine’s Day, ponder on ways you can improve your relationship. One possibility is to ask you partner, “What do I do now and what can I do in the future that would make you feel loved?” Make a list of the answers and a resolution to give some of the actions as a gift. You need not complete all of them. This may be a one-time gift or something you do on a regular basis. For example, your partner may say, “When you make me coffee in the morning, it makes me feel loved.” That might be something you can start incorporating into your week. These gifts are given with no strings attached. There may even be days when you don’t feel like it – try anyway.
     It may require a sacrifice at times; yet, these gifts increase connectedness and can restore feelings of love. The benefits to your relationship will continue well past the one day a year called Valentine’s Day.
THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Robert Gordon, M.S., M.A.
     Career change is a popular topic in therapists’ offices. Many clients come to counseling beaten down by their professions, often forgetting the reasons they were initially drawn to those jobs, and how their own unique skills seemed like a good match for such an environment once upon a time. In this process it is tempting to plan for a 180-degree shift, but such dramatic change is not necessarily required. 
     PC&CC’s Robert Gordon understands the appeal of abandoning the past, but has found that in his own personal life and career, past experience can support new initiatives. Currently completing a third graduate degree – this time at Loyola University in Maryland’s pastoral counseling program – Gordon has blended his skills and interests into a creative workweek that may include counseling couples with Imago Relationship Therapy one day, and organizational consulting the next.
     “I love to help clients discover, or remember, their callings and to find or create new careers for themselves,” Gordon explains. His first graduate degree was in organization development, and he spent more than 20 years as a leadership development, training, and organization development professional in industry and government. He currently consults on a large scale to such clients as the federal government's Eastern Management Development Center, and on a smaller scale to regional wellness centers in need of leadership alignment and team building.
     “Consulting makes use of my longstanding interest in the human side of enterprise, which includes motivational theory, achievement theory, quality management, and work process improvement,” Gordon says. He has found similarities in consultation and counseling.  "In working with individuals or organizations, I believe that the knowledge needed to change is already within the client. This is one reason I enjoy consulting projects that allow me to engage an organization’s own employees as leaders in change initiatives.”
     At the same time, Gordon has nurtured a deep belief in the spiritual side of personal transformation. In his second graduate degree he studied the holistic approach to healing – a mind-body-spirit approach to mental and emotional health – that he finds to be a great fit with PC&CC. “My training in holistic healing arts and spiritual direction makes working at a pastoral counseling center especially satisfying,” he adds, noting that his work at PC&CC complements his position as a faculty member of the Tai Sophia Institute's Applied Healing Arts program. In that role he advises graduate students in the design of their independent studies and final projects. Gordon has also taught public courses there, including The Tao of Couplehood, How Are You Called to Serve?, and The Five Gifts of Nature. 
     “My teaching and counseling work strengthen one another, both in terms of continuous learning and in honing my coaching and counseling skills,” Gordon notes. He also has taught staff development workshops, such as meditation and everyday financial planning, for the University of Maryland Baltimore Campus, and has presented introductory Imago workshops at retreats and wellness centers throughout Maryland.
     A strong believer in the importance of continuing education, Gordon is currently studying Adlerian parenting theory and is preparing to teach related workshops. He notes that he finds particular fulfillment in working with clients who have compulsive or addictive behavior, and with their partners.
Gordon works in PC&CC’s Takoma Park office and may be reached at 202-449-3789 x707.
RELATIONSHIP SEMINARS AVAILABLE FOR YOUR COMMUNITY
     PC&CC is excited to offer three Relationship Education Seminars tailored to your community and taught by our Imago therapists and educators.
  •  Imago Connects – A 3-hour introduction to Imago Theory
  •  Start Right, Stay Connected – The 1-day Imago premarital course
  • Couplehood courses – 6-week sessions on deepening your relationship: Christian – A New Way to Love; General Audience – Couplehood; Jewish – Couplehood as a Spiritual Path, co-written by PC&CC’s own Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin.
     Based on the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, each of these programs aims to help couples develop new ways to both talk and listen. They will co-create a relationship vision and learn the skills to make it a reality. While discovering the uniqueness of one’s spouse, participants uncover opportunities for emotional healing and spiritual growth.
     Our programs may be adapted to fit your community’s specific needs. Please contact Shelly Webb, PC&CC’s Relationship Education Seminars Coordinator, at (410)409-9423 or email her for more information.
REFERRAL CORNER: POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
     The Haitian earthquake on Jan. 12 caused immediate, obvious trauma. At press time, help was still trickling in to aid survivors, while the rest of the world contemplated the gargantuan task of rebuilding the fragile nation. In addition to the massive need for food, water and shelter, the Haitian people also will need assistance in dealing with the psychological impact of this disaster. At the same time, those of us watching the news coverage also are at risk for vicarious emotional trauma.
     Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder caused when someone experiences or witnesses an event and feels intense fear or helplessness. Symptoms often may not appear immediately after the event, but often surface weeks and months afterwards, particularly when other things in the person’s life have calmed. PTSD often manifests in intrusive memories, avoidance or emotional numbing, and increased emotional arousal. For example, a person suffering from PTSD may report flashbacks or worrisome dreams, may isolate herself from others, or may report trouble sleeping and overwhelming guilt or shame. It is also common for these symptoms to come and go, being triggered by similar events reported on the news or during times of high stress.
     Those watching intense news coverage of tragic events, as well as mental health professionals who listen to traumatic stories from their clients, also may be at risk for “vicarious trauma” or secondary traumatic stress. This diagnosis goes beyond deep empathy for the plight of another, to the degree that the person actually feels as though he is experiencing the trauma firsthand.
     A PTSD diagnosis is not an automatic conclusion for those who have experienced significant trauma. Risk factors for developing the disorder include experiencing a particularly severe trauma that was long-lasting, having a pre-existing mental health condition, lacking a good support network, having experienced abuse or neglect as a child, and having a first-degree relative with PTSD or depression. PTSD may be treated with medication and/or psychotherapy. You and your doctor may find that certain antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs may relieve the anxiety and depression associated with PTSD. A psychotherapist may use cognitive-behavioral techniques to help the client identify negative thought patterns that exacerbate symptoms, and group counseling can provide the opportunity to connect with others facing similar diagnoses.
Information culled from the Mayo Clinic.
NEWS & NOTES
  • Carl Siegel will teach a six-session, Lenten course titled, “A New Way to Love: Living God’s Purpose for Your Marriage,” at The Church of the Ascension in Gaithersburg, Md. (205 South Summit Avenue, Gaithersburg, MD 20877). The class will take place Sundays from 1-3pm, running from Feb. 21-March 28, for a one-time cost of $40. For registration or more information, please call Carl at 202-669-6417.
  • Kathleen E. Scheg is leading a new RTA: Releasing and Transforming Anger group starting Feb. 19. The 15-week series will take place Fridays from 5-6:15pm in our Takoma Park office. Please contact Scheg at 202-449-3789 x710 for more information.
  • Norma Stevens recently completed Hedy Schleifer’s workshop on “Developing Relational Intelligence,” and has joined the Mid-Atlantic Association for Imago Relationship Therapist’s book club. Stacy Notaras Murphy recently took part in a training on Relational Gestalt Therapy. Later this month, Joanne Comstock will participate in a two-day training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
  • The ongoing QuarterLife+10 therapy group for unmarried professionals in their mid-20s to mid-30s is open to additional members. Topics include work/career, spirituality, relationships, and exploring the question "Where do I want to be in 10 years?" For more information, please contact Nathan Gehlert at 202-449-3789 x716 or email him.
  • Our "Getting the Love You Want" workshops for couples led by Carl Siegel and Rebecca Sears can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple's ongoing marriage counseling. The two-day course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next workshop will be March 20-21 at Washington Theological Union in Washington, DC. Please call Carl for more information at 202-449-3789 x701.
RELATIONSHIP TIP: MAKE A DATE WITH YOUR CHILD
     In couples therapy, counselors often prescribe “date nights” for their clients. It is a chance for couples to reconnect, have fun, and re-romanticize their relationship. These moments are less about what you do and more about the quality of the time spent together. Dates nights provide an opportunity to focus on your partner and to demonstrate how much you care and value one another. Positive time is the most precious gift one can give.
     Similar to romantic relationships, parent-child relationships require time and effort to make them strong and successful. Children need to know that that they are a priority in their parents’ lives. They need to feel loved and treasured. One way for a parent to show their commitment to the relationship is to make opportunities for one-on-one time together. No matter how old or young the child, find time for special events or a “standing date.” Whether it is a scavenger hunt in the neighborhood, a special trip to the playground, making pottery at a local studio, or an afternoon at the ballpark, celebrate each child individually. Think creatively and the memories made will be ones that last two lifetimes!

The Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Center of Greater Washington
7003 Piney Branch Road, NW | Washington DC, 20012
 7 Convenient Locations in DC Metro Area
www.pastoralcounselingdc.com | 202-449-3789