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By Nathan Gehlert, M.S., N.C.C.
     We all know well that New Year's resolutions usually don't work. In fact, more than 85 percent of us don't succeed at them (J. Grenny, Influencer, McGraw Hill, 2007). What you may not know is that this modern-day ritual of seeking change at the New Year can be traced back thousands of years to Janus, a mythical king of early Rome. Janus had been particularly generous to the god Saturn and in reward for this favor was given the ability to see into the past and future. Janus came to symbolize progression, change, and resolution; the first month of the year, January, is named in his honor.
     Of course, we can't see into the future, but our resolutions need not become forgotten things of myth. Some people make too many resolutions, become overwhelmed, and fail at all of them. It's important to choose just one realistic goal for the New Year, something you know you can attain. Developing a concrete plan can be helpful. Write it down and think through obstacles and how you will overcome them. Next, tell everyone you know about your goal. People who create accountability are much more likely to realize their aspirations. Make sure you reward yourself along the way and don't beat yourself up over setbacks - just keep at it!
     This year can be the year you exercise regularly, quit smoking, get organized, or connect more with your family or friends. The words of Edith Lovejoy Pierce inspire me: "We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." May you be inspired, too!

        Gehlert is leading a new 12-week Imago group, New Year - New You!, to help people succeed at their resolutions in an environment of supportive accountability. Click here to a download flyer or here for more information online; you may also contact him at 202-449-3789 x716 or via email.

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THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Male Rites of Passage and Initiation

     Young men and boys in Western culture rarely have formal opportunities for connection and support with peers and mentors as they face the challenges of growing up. Despite global history and substantiating the value of male initiation rituals, Western cultures continue to eschew such rites of passage, sending the message that young men simply are on their own as they grapple with questions of identity and spirituality.

     PC&CC Executive Director Carl Siegel is working to overcome this deficit by developing a program whereby fathers and sons can be "initiated" and guided toward well-rounded masculinity. "I have always thought rites of passage for boys and girls are very important," Siegel explains. "Five years ago, when my oldest got to be 14, I searched around to see what was available and didn't find much.

     "About 13 years ago, I myself participated in the Man Kind Project's 'New Warrior Training,' which was designed to help men move into a fuller more healthy masculinity. That was an invaluable experience for me and I wanted my sons to benefit from a similar developmentally appropriate experience."

      As a result, Siegel designed a wilderness weekend for his sons emphasizing four male archetypes: warrior, king, lover, and magician. "They learned about the healthy side of each and the shadow side of each. They heard from six other men who participated in their Rite of Passage how they had struggled with each of these archetypes, of course communicating in age-appropriate ways," he explains.

     The weekend ended with a celebration and the giving of gifts and blessings. "Both of my sons expressed at the end of their ritual that it was the most important event of their life. At the same time, the men who participated said that if the boys got half as much out of it as they did, they got a lot," he notes.     

     Siegel has been particularly inspired by Richard Rohr's understanding that male initiation is about transforming and turning pain into power. Rohr offers five "spiritual truths" that Siegel invites men to meditate on and grapple with:

1) You are going to die

2) Life is hard

3)You are not in control

4)You are not that important

5)Your life is not about you.     

     Working with two colleagues who helped him initiate his own sons, Siegel has been developing a program for a springtime men's gathering on the topic of male spirituality. Meanwhile, his 2009 "Fly Fishing for the Soul" Alaska outing is evolving into a trip for fathers and sons to consider many of these topics. He also is building a website featuring resources on male spirituality and how to create an initiation ritual for your own son.

     Siegel believes that men may benefit from such information at any age. "Men who have never been initiated can't initiate other men or boys, so part of the work with helping men doing Rites of Passage with their own sons means taking them through a process so that they can prepare themselves," he explains. He is working on a program to help coach fathers on how to develop similar rites for their own sons.

     For more information on any of these opportunities, please contact Carl Siegel at 202-449-3789 x701 or email him. He would love to hear from you.

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REFERRAL CORNER: Need for Services to Rise in New Year

     PC&CC is thrilled to report that 2008 was a record year for providing support and education services to the underserved in our community. Of the 7,250 counseling sessions led by our therapists in 2008, 841 were low-cost and 380 were pro bono. PC&CC also awarded nine scholarships to help couples attend our "Getting the Love You Want" weekend workshops.     According to Executive Director Carl Siegel, "the need for our services is growing daily as the economy continues to tighten."
     In particular, the DC Department of Mental Health's September recommendation that the DC Community Services Agency cease providing mental health services is likely to result in a rush of needy patients searching for emotional support services from fee-for-service providers. "Clearly, the upcoming year will be financially challenging as we continue our commitment to excellence in counseling while meeting the needs of a growing underserved population," Siegel explains. "We hope that our community will consider supporting our efforts of PC&CC by making donations on our website."
     Siegel notes that PC&CC's has robust goals for 2009. "We intend to increase the number of underserved clients exposed to Imago Therapy by 25 percent. We also will double the number of partial scholarships available for couples unable to afford the life-changing 'Getting the Love You Want' workshop."

Donations are welcome via a link on our website. Please contact Carl Siegel for more information at 202-449-3789 x701 or email him.

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PC&CC NEWS & NOTES

Kathleen Scheg's popular RTA: Releasing and Transforming Anger group begins another session Jan. 14. Learn more here.

Carolyn Buresh will lead the Couplehood as a Spiritual Path course at Ashton United Methodist Church near Olney, Md., on Sunday evenings from 7-9pm starting Jan. 25. The cost is $160 per couple, including all course materials and refreshments. Call 301-787-9034 or email her for more information.

Cindy Thurston Bare and Ginny Graham also will lead a Couplehood as a Spiritual Path course at Trinity Presbyterian Church in Arlington, Va. The six-week program will take place Sunday evenings from 7-9pm starting Feb. 1. Call 202-449-3789 for more information or send an email. Bare also will attend a workshop on applied suicide intervention skills this month in conjunction with her volunteer work at CrisisLink.

Bob Gordon will teach a course on life coaching at Howard Community College's Columbia, Md. campus starting in February.

Our "Getting the Love You Want" workshops for couples can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple's ongoing marriage counseling. The weekend course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. Our next weekend is Jan. 31-Feb. 1. Click here for more information.

New Year - New You! is a 12-week therapy group for individuals looking to commit to making a meaningful change in the New Year. The group will provide a supportive environment of accountability to help achieve New Year's resolutions. Click here to a download flyer or here for more information online. Contact Nathan Gehlert at 202-449-3789 x716 or email him.

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RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: 'Resolutionary' Optimism

     The beginning of any new year brings a host of possibilities, plus the nagging memories of bygone resolutions. Whatever happened to last year's promises of change that somehow never happened? In the Washington Post, evolutionary biologist Lionel Tiger, explains that people continue to make promises about changes they won't keep because of our hunter-gatherer beginnings ("The Making and Breaking of Resolutions is only Human," Jan. 1, 2008). He writes: "We had to wake up each day and say, Boy it's a better day than usual to catch an antelope. We had to say that each day even when we had only eaten grass for 3 weeks." Optimism was necessary to counter our intelligence. If we didn't overestimate our chances, we wouldn't have bothered to get out of the cave in the morning.

     We make goals because they keep us alive and we can't afford to be too cynical about our own behavior. The dilemmas regarding change do not just apply to individual human behaviors, but to our relational behaviors as well. Change involving couples and relationships can be just as hard - maybe even harder - as sometimes we get the feeling that they are not within our control when change involves another person.

     Imago Relationship Therapy can be the needed impetus to change. Imago employs a mechanism called the "Behavior Change Request," which focuses on both the "how" and "why" of change. The tool applies several of the necessary rules for behavioral change - choice, and specific change that is measurable, attainable, relevant, and time limited. But more importantly, it offers the all important ingredient of hope, which permits us the belief that change is possible, not just necessary. So, the next time you stumble out the door for your antelope, remember there is hope that you might find something even more important in terms of your life - a deeper connection in your relationship.

-Joanne Comstock