Soul Matters... July 2007

Are We Done Yet?

Therapists and Couples Need Reminders of their Connections
One way that Imago Relationship Therapy differs from other couples counseling methods is that Imago therapists are required to work on their own relationships as part of their training. This can be a bitter pill to swallow for the couples therapist who might have expected to eventually be “done” with study and therefore, a “relationship expert.”

Celebrated Imago therapist and trainer Hedy Schleifer recently put that fallacy to rest at a June 20 presentation to an audience of Imago therapists. In an intimate and personal conversation about her 42-year marriage, Schleifer admitted that from time to time, even she falls victim to the “old brain” survival instincts that get in the way of true connection. Schleifer explained that rites of passage in a couple’s relationship can create conflicts similar to power struggles found in early couplehood. “The old brain wakes up and says, ‘Danger!’” she said. With untamed feelings of fear and sadness lurking below the surface, we load more convenient feelings of blame or shame onto our partners. “We go into survival mode…and we revert to old, familiar dances,” she noted, adding that those familiar dances involve involuntary responses that drive us farther apart.

To illustrate her point, Schleifer offered the story of her struggle when her husband, Yumi, had experienced serious heart problems and his doctor advised him not to travel. But Yumi insisted on following through on a trip to South Africa that he and Schleifer had planned. In a panic, Schleifer asked their two sons to help prevent Yumi from going. “He said, ‘I want to go.’ I said, ‘You can’t go.’ Before you know it, the space between us between us got unbelievably polluted with a very familiar feeling of tension and power struggle and a kind of disrespect. It was a space we both know very well but hadn't lived in for quite a while,” she recalled.

But soon, Schleifer’s extensive work with couples reminded her that she and her husband were in a conflict driven by their own survival instincts. “We both laughed and said it was time that we actually walked the talk,” she said. Working to set aside their defenses, they faced one another in two chairs, looked deeply at one another “with soft eyes,” and silently gave thanks for their shared journey. Then Schleifer asked Yumi to “cross the bridge” to her side, where she allowed herself to release the untamed feelings of fear that she might lose him. Inviting Yumi to mirror her statements, she took as much time as she needed to truly release those feelings.

At this point she said she was ready to cross the bridge back over to him, to hear his side. What he told her, about wanting to continue to live a full life and be more than just his diagnosis, touched Schleifer in a way that she had not been ready for before. “Once I fully understood how, out of my own fear of losing him, I was going to belittle his life [and] I was going to keep him from living…I could see that my job as his ally and friend was to join him on what was really his most important step,” she recalled. Compromising about the length and content of the trip, they went to South Africa and celebrated his 72^nd birthday in grand style.

As rites of passage continue throughout the lifespan, so does the potential for power struggle when we feel out of control to stop the changes. “I thought we were done! We were done. We had survived, we were just in an exalted place and never ever again forget there was a bridge, and never ever again fight, we were so mature! And here we were, again! We recognized it,” Schleifer laughed. Those in relationship – whether therapists or clients – always are at risk of reverting to old defensiveness. Remembering the empathic bridges that connect us all is one way to avoid the hazards of our defensiveness.

REFERRAL CORNER: The Skill of Risk Assessment

Those in the helping professions often face the question of whether or not our own skills match the needs of those who cross our paths. Determining another person’s needs is an important part of how we serve others. Perhaps our most crucial skill may be the ability to assess self-destructive threats, including suicidal behavior. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide was the eighth leading cause of death for males and the 16^th leading cause of death for females in 2004. More than just referring a person for clinical counseling, suicide risk evaluation demands responsibility and attention to detail.

Some suicide risk factors include prior attempts, direct communication of intent, lack of social supports, isolation, and impulsivity. Those experiencing a recent loss or the anniversary of a loss also may be susceptible to self-destructive desires. Meanwhile, those with physical conditions – such as insomnia, chronic pain, progressive illness, and recent childbirth – often may be prone to suicidal thoughts.

Persons often exhibit suicidal impulses because their original coping mechanisms have failed. They often feel desperate and ashamed, and should be approached with a calm and caring attitude. It’s advisable to be clear regarding your plans to refer them for medical evaluation if needed, noting your willingness to walk through this process together. Here are a few questions to ask when trying to determine a person’s risk:

Ask directly if he has thoughts of suicide?
Are the thoughts pervasive or intermittent with a definite relationship to a given situation?
Does he have a plan? If so, how extensive is it?
How lethal is the defined method?
Is there access to the identified means?

Depending on the severity of the responses given, it may be prudent to agree to call the police or go to a hospital together. Please feel free to contact our PC&CC counselors us anytime for consultation about suicide risk and referral options.

–Information found in Therapist’s Guide to Clinical Intervention by Sharon L. Johnson.

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Beret Moyer, M.S., NCC

A cup of coffee and the innocent curiosity of a friend was all it took for PC&CC’s Beret Moyer to discover the path she’d been faithfully heading toward throughout her adult life. “She just asked if I’d ever considered pastoral counseling and it was really at that moment that everything converged – all of my interests and what made really sense to me,” she explains.

Moyer had majored in psychology in undergraduate school and had a background in early childhood development, as well as nonstop experience at the full-time job of being a mother to four children. But it wasn’t until she learned about the pastoral counseling model that Moyer understood how her skills of patience and listening, and her interests in spiritual struggle and healing, could support one another in a comprehensive career.

“I went back to school, got my master’s degree, and have never looked back from this new path. My work has confirmed that I made the right choice because it’s using so many of my gifts and abilities,” she notes. Specifically, Moyer brings a keen ability to discern the difference between a client’s “desired reality” and his true experience. “People often are unhappy with the way things are, and consciously, or unconsciously, live their lives wishing things were different or desiring something that is not possible. This leads to discontent, anxiety, even depression,” she explains. “Learning to live each day in a more conscious, grounded way and developing skills to change what can be changed and accept what cannot is what heals the heart.”

Counseling is a gift that clients can give themselves, Moyer says, noting that her strong sense of faith is something she aims to incorporate into that work. “Through counseling, it is possible to become more yourself than ever by opening yourself to the Holy and being willing to grow and stretch. I see the mind as infinitely creative and I draw on the power of the Creator to tap into that creative energy,” she notes.

Moyer says her family and 30-year marriage kindled her interest in relationships and relationship theory, which easily led to her study of Imago Relationship Therapy. “In the end that’s what makes us human beings, being in relationship with each other,” she says, adding that she particularly enjoys working with relationship dynamics in the counseling process, including husband-to-wife, friend-to-friend, and parent-to-child connections. She specializes in premarital counseling and finds that she is especially skilled at helping young adults who are struggling with life transitions.

PC&CC’s small staff and collegial atmosphere appeal to Moyer’s sense of teamwork and support. “I love working with a small group of therapists. I think that lends itself to intimacy and flexibility, two things which are very important to me. I love the teaching aspect of PC&CC and the support that the staff offers. I love the sense of community and belonging to a group of committed professionals,” she says.

Moyer works in PC&CC’s offices in Bethesda and Dupont Circle. She may be reached at 202-449-3789 x711.

Relationship Tip of the Month

Opening to the World

The only reason that we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.

Then this experience of opening to the world begins to benefit ourselves and others simultaneously. The more we relate with others, the more quickly we discover where we are blocked, where we are unkind, afraid, shut down. Seeing this is helpful, but it is also painful. Often the only way we know how to react is to use it as ammunition against ourselves. We aren’t kind. We aren’t honest. We aren’t brave, and we might as well give up right now. But when we apply the instruction to be soft and nonjudgmental to whatever we see right at that very moment, then this embarrassing reflection in the mirror becomes our friend. Seeing that reflection becomes motivation to soften further and lighten up more, because we know it’s the only way we can continue to work with others and be of any benefit to the world.

That’s the beginning of growing up. As long as we don’t want to be honest and kind with ourselves, then we are always going to be infants. When we begin just to try to accept ourselves, the ancient burden of self-importance lightens up considerably. Finally there’s room for genuine inquisitiveness, and we find we have an appetite for what’s out there.

-From When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön

PC&CC EVENT CALENDAR:

Our “Getting the Love You Want” workshops for couples can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple’s ongoing marriage counseling. Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The two-day course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next Washington, DC workshop will be Sept. 8-9, and the slots are filling up fast! Click here for more information.