June 2011 Vol. 5, Issue 6
Your connection to the latest news and information from PC&CC
 
 

Fear and Loathing...
and Couples Therapy?
     Why are couples afraid of therapy?
     This question circulated on an Imago listserv a few weeks ago. Therapists across the country noted the difficulty in convincing couples that therapy can be a gift to their relationships, not something to fear. The comments resonated with what I hear from clients, colleagues, and my own circle of friends. Many people are very curious about my work as a certified Imago Relationship therapist, but they rarely admit that they might like to try the process for themselves.
     What’s this all about? A good hypothesis is that many of us are just plain embarrassed when our own relationships show strife of any kind. We have bought into the Hollywood concept that a relationship is either perfect and frozen-in-time (see Ozzie and Harriet) or flawed so badly that it could script a soap opera (Desperate Housewives) or primetime drama (Mad Men...or even CSI?).
     The therapists weighing in on the listserv called these extremes disingenuous. All relationships have power struggles, and Imago theory holds that these struggles are the only way we push ourselves to evolve and grow. When a relationship is unable to adjust to life’s unfolding terrain, it runs off the road. The truth is that our power struggles teach us the skills to change our expectations and ride out the bumps along the way. But many of us are shamed into believing these struggles represent personal failings, making it almost humiliating to reach out and ask for help.
     Another common concern is that going to therapy will reveal that a relationship is broken beyond fixing, forcing a drastic decision that the couple would rather not face. They stay in the unconscious relationship, locked in the power struggle, because they do not want to lose the other person. But this very active practice of working so hard to avoid a breakup (maintaining a power struggle takes a lot of perseverance and commitment!) actually proves the fact that the couple has a very strong bond – just the sort of bond that actually would be the emphasis of the therapy, guiding them through the tougher work as they map the “relationship of their dreams.”
     We have to decide that we deserve something more than an imitation of The Donna Reed Show, with a behind-the-scenes reality that looks more like Married…with Children. Once we decide we deserve it, then we need to take ourselves off the hook for making it happen all by itself. Shop around for the right counselor or relationship education program. We therapists must make this process comfortable – offering the predictability and positivity that make our clients feel safe.
     Meanwhile, couples, for their part, must show up and do the work in the session, and then give each other the time and room for it to sink in at home. The good news is that you don’t have to announce it to the world when you are in couples therapy. While some of us are living our lives more publicly thanks to social networking, there’s no Facebook “like” icon on my office door. You don’t even have to tweet about how a particular session went. But who knows? After a while, you might find yourself wanting to let others know how much can change when two people make a commitment to being open and hopeful about the possibilities.
REMINDER: Communologue Training Next Week!
     PC&CC/The Imago Center is proud to sponsor a two-day Communologue training with world-renowned Imago therapist Orli Wahrman June 10-11, from 9am-5pm, at Washington Theological Union in Takoma Park, DC. Communologue is a powerful tool for applying Imago Relationship principles in a group context. Participants will learn about two of Wahrman’s successful Communologue projects: the Palestinian/Israeli Imago Project and the Jewish-Arab co-existence group. For more information or to register, please contact PC&CC/The Imago Center Executive Director Carl Siegel.
THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Lena Aburdene, MS
     Lena Aburdene can be a little impatient with the slow pace of the therapeutic process. As a new counselor at PC&CC/The Imago Center, she admits that her strong desire to help others causes her to want to help solve problems right away. “Sometimes that's just not possible,” she explains. “Counseling can be a long journey and sometimes there is tremendous value in just being present and accepting the process for what it is.”
     Aburdene’s own sense of spirituality helps her to be in that present moment with her clients. “Spirituality has a role in the way I do my work because I recognize that all my clients have a different view on what spirituality is to them,” she explains. “I believe it is important for clients to use their spirituality as a coping skill in whatever way makes sense to them, and if applicable, I honor that in the counseling room.”
     A skilled writer, Aburdene pens a column on feminism and relationships for Examiner.com and finds that it gives her the opportunity to explore psychological issues in a different way. “What I enjoy most about writing my column is the fact that it is constantly changing based on the work I do with clients, what I hear from my friends and what I find in the media. I also love the fact that some of my clients read my column and say that it helps them and that my clients seek me out based on my column. It helps establish a connection with the client right off the bat,” she says.
     Joining PC&CC/The Imago Center has helped Aburdene “think outside the box,” she says, adding that the group setting has given her the opportunity to feel both challenged and supported by the staff. “I thrive working in group settings, as opposed to on my own. I love the support and camaraderie,” she notes. “I also find having consultation and weekly meetings with colleagues is very helpful for me in terms of support, growth and challenge.”
     Aburdene is particularly interested in group therapy and has recently co-launched a new group, “ Single in the City,” with Nathan Gehlert. The group offers support to women in their 20s and 30s who struggle with dating and relationships. Aburdene also co-leads the Quarterlife +10 group for young adults facing life transitions.
Aburdene sees clients in our downtown DC office. She may be reached at 202-449-3789  x704
REFERRAL CORNER: Sensory Processing Disorder
     Does the sound of fingernails on a blackboard make you shudder? Imagine if other experiences gave you the same feeling – bright lights, a scratchy shirt tag, the feeling of a fan blowing on your face. For those with Sensory Processing Disorders (SPDs), everyday sensations can be difficult to manage. Individuals with an SPD might have trouble understanding, processing and reacting to information received from their senses. These individuals often feel their senses are unreliable or inconsistent, making basic tasks such as dressing and walking difficult. SPDs can make daily organization challenging, and they can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
     Recent emphasis on diagnosis in childhood has raised the profile of sensory integration issues within parenting communities. It stands to reason that children with SPDs grow into adults with SPDs. But when children are not diagnosed, and do not follow protocols that include occupational therapy, they often reach adulthood without a definition for their struggles. Lacking effective coping strategies, they may find themselves in a counselor's office facing depression, anxiety, addiction or other complicating conditions. Experts agree that SPDs can present more as a mental health issue, leading to misdiagnoses ranging from generalized anxiety and phobias to obsessive-compulsive disorder and bipolar disorder. Armed with an understanding of how SPDs present in adult populations, counselors can help these clients find more comfortable ways of living.
 –Information excerpted from “ Don’t Touch Me,” in Counseling Today magazine, March 29, 2011.
NEWS & NOTES
  • As of June 1, PC&CC/The Imago Center’s Ellicott City office will move to Columbia, Md. Norma Stevens operates out of this new space at 8940 Route 108, Suite E, Columbia, MD 21045.
  • Cindy Thurston Bare will lead a breakout session at the June 8 Family Building Seminar sponsored by the Cade Foundation in Landover, Md.  Her presentation is titled, “Overcoming the Emotional Stress Associated with Infertility and Childlessness.”
  • Ginny Graham will attend “AEDP and the Art and Science of Transformation: How Deep Emotional Change Takes Place,” a Cape Code Institute program exploring Diana Fosha’s accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy from June 27-July 1.
  • Rebecca Sears will lead the FACT A introduction to Imago Relationship therapy in Kansas City, Mo., on June 3-4. She was recently interviewed by “Voice of Russia,” the Russian government’s international radio broadcasting service and participated in a roundtable discussion regarding political sex scandals.
  • “ Single in the City” is our new support group for women in their 20s and 30s. It will take place at our Capitol Hill location on Wednesday evenings, with another daytime group to be determined. Contact Lena Aburdene at 202-449-3789 x704 for more information, or email her.
  • Our " Getting the Love You Want" workshops for couples led by Carl Siegel and Rebecca Sears can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple's ongoing marriage counseling. The two-day course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next workshop will be July 9-10 at the Washington Theological Union in Takoma Park, DC. Please call Carl for more information at 202-449-3789 x701.  
RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Virtual Connections
      Social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are excellent instruments to establish connection. Yet they can be a source of disconnect and rupture for committed relationships, because they offer an opportunity to reconnect with old infatuations. Social networking may make it easy to meet people with similar interests, particularly when you are feeling disconnected from your partner. Virtual connections often eradicate inhibitions, allowing online relationships to develop faster and deeper than face-to-face bonds. Here are some tips to stay connected in your own relationship and still enjoy the excitement of connecting with old friends:
  • Dialogue about the importance of the social network for you.
  • Make a covenant with your partner about the time each of you will spend networking when you are home.
  • “Friend” your partner and spend time posting interesting things that are happening to you.
  • Focus your energy on your partner when you are having dinner or on a date; avoid messaging or consulting your network pages.
  • If you reconnect with people you were attracted to in the past, make sure your spouse has access to your conversations.
  • If struggling with feelings for a virtual friend, minimize or eliminate interactions with that person.
  • After arguments with your partner, avoid resorting to the social networks to find affirmation and connection; stay focused on your relationship.

The Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Center of Greater Washington
7003 Piney Branch Road, NW | Washington DC, 20012
 7 Convenient Locations in DC Metro Area
www.pastoralcounselingdc.com | 202-449-3789