A survey of members of the American Psychological Association (APA) revealed that one in six of their patients have counseling issues directly involving religion or spirituality. In another study of psychologists, 72 percent indicated that they had at some time addressed clients’ religious or spiritual issues in treatment. Some 29 percent of a sampling that included psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists agreed that religious issues were an important factor in treating all or many of their clients. In short, it’s inevitable that mental health professionals, at some point in their careers, are challenged to address their clients’ crises of religious faith or secular spirituality.  

     In some cases, religious and spiritual issues can result in episodes of depression, erupt in storms of anxiety, or even provoke transcendental experiences that can be ecstatic or terrifying and which mimic psychosis. In their book “The Stormy Search for Self,” Christina and Stanislav Grof observe that, "Since traditional psychiatry makes no distinction between psychotic reactions and mystical states, not only crises of spiritual opening, but also uncomplicated transpersonal experiences often receive a pathological label...” This is unfortunate because understanding of the spiritual dimension of counseling, combined with skilled and compassionate treatment, can make the difference between the stigma of “mental illness” and facilitating a process that can be healing and spiritual in nature.

     Throughout their book, the Grofs offer help in distinguishing between psychosis and spiritual emergency, but admit, "There is no way of establishing absolutely clear criteria for differentiation … since such terms themselves lack objective scientific validity."  The Grofs were key in establishing training and sources of referral ( www.spiritualemergence.info) for spiritual crises that are transcendental in nature.

     The first was Zacchaeus, a biblical figure who was not just a hated tax collector, but the chief tax collector, the man who skimmed off the top of those who skimmed off the top. When Jesus chose to dine with Zacchaeus, the community was shocked. Jesus' radical acceptance of Zacchaeus led him to give away more than half of his wealth and restore four-fold anyone he had cheated.

     The second example was that of mountain climber Greg Mortenson. When he nearly died descending from a failed attempt to ascend K2, the people of a small village in Pakistan saved his life and nursed him back to health, sacrificing their own food to restore his strength. Mortenson was so transformed by their act of hospitality that he made it his life's work to build schools in the area, as related in his fascinating book, “Three Cups of Tea.” Fr. Daniel Homan's book, "Radical Hospitality: Benedict's Way of Love," is now on my reading list.

     So what does this have to do with relationship counseling?  I want to suggest that every time we fight the urge to be defensive or critical, it is a form of radical hospitality. It takes radical hospitality to listen to your boss' "constructive" criticism and simply take it in to consider if any of it might be partly true. It takes radical hospitality to listen attentively to your 5-year-old when you are tired and would rather watch the game, check email, or just check out. It takes radical hospitality to assume positive intent from your partner when a part of you fears the worst. It takes radical hospitality to turn toward your partner when it feels safer to turn away.

     When given generously and with respect for the other, radical hospitality can be the beginning of change in many relationships.  It makes space for the other person, softens defenses, and encourages win-win thinking. What would radical hospitality look like in your relationships?