Soul Matters... November 2008

Red and Blue Relationships
By Nathan Gehlert, M.S., NCC
     The chairs in my office for working with couples are different colors: one's red and the other's blue. I sometimes joke that the red one is for the Republican and the blue one is for the Democrat. Of course, relationships are more difficult than just knowing which chair we're supposed to sit in.
     The nature of conflict varies from couple to couple. A lucky few do get to disagree about politics, a fact that may be coming up more as elections near on November 4. Politics touch upon some of the most fundamental human emotions, such as hope, honor, fear, and passion. This fact is illustrated well by the party faithful chanting "Country First" or "Yes We Can" at the conventions. Such events are big melting pots of emotions. So, it makes sense that couples who differ on the issues might be experiencing more heated debate or conflict during campaign season.
     What's the best recipe for dealing with political conflict at home, in the office, or among friends? I'm always amazed when I see James Carville and Mary Matalin launching war on each other on the political talk shows, because it almost seems impossible that such ardent party rivals could be peaceful and loving off camera. There's a lot about connection in relationships to be learned from their example. Carville and Matalin spoke about their "Crazy Love" in an interview with Salon in 1997 (read interview here http://www.salon.com/feb97/carville970212.html). Matalin pointed out that, "We're actually very similar people. We're both advocates. We're both passionate. We both like a good, fair fight." Carville and Matalin connect in their relationship by identifying common ground (advocacy and passion) and then allowing the other his or her own perspective. It's important for the health of any relationship to accept such differences.
     Remember, also, to listen for the heart of each other's beliefs. Since political convictions are ultimately tied to emotions, it's important to try to understand the depth of your partner's perspective. Listen for what makes sense about the other side. Say what makes sense. Try to step into their shoes and identify what feeling might inspire their position. Take a guess at naming the feelings. If you can do this, then you'll begin to build bridges of connection. Together, you can respect, love, understand, and empathize while still maintaining your individual points of view. As one couple once said to me, "We'll never change each other's political opinions, but that's ok. Ultimately it doesn't matter anyway because on Election Day we cancel out each other's votes!"
Nathan Gehlert works in PC&CC's offices on Capitol Hill and Foggy Bottom. Contact him at 202-449-3789 x716.

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Carl Siegel Goes 'Fly Fishing for the Soul'
It doesn't take long to confront your own mortality when fly fishing in the Alaskan wilderness. From the salmon dying on their way upstream to the ever-present danger of bear attacks, PC&CC's Carl Siegel (pictured left, with Brant Barr) explains that facing the perilous terrain cultivates a unique perspective.

"You can't be there on the river for a week without being confronted by death in a very raw, stark way," Siegel says, explaining that the river's gravel bars are littered with salmon. "It's a compelling reminder that one of these days we, too, will be laying on the gravel bar. But in the meantime, what do we want to be about? What do we want to be doing? How do we want to live out this precious life we've been given?"
Such questions are the focus of the "Fly Fishing for the Soul" program Siegel launched last summer with longtime friend Brant Barr, MD. "We both had been on fly fishing trips to Alaska and found it so rejuvenating that we wanted to share the experience with others. We're particularly concerned about the burn out rate for healthcare providers and thought this might be a good way to minister to that group," he says.

In August, Siegel and Barr took four men - a physician, an architect, a political staffer, and a psychotherapist - for eight days and nights on Iliamna's Nushagak River. "There are many life lessons to be learned from fly fishing because it's all about balance, rhythm, and applying just the right amount of effort," Siegel notes. "It's about letting the river carry you downstream while you reconnect with your best intentions. "Using daily meditation, self-reflection exercises, and the Imago principle of mirroring, the group provided a supportive space for the participants to consider new goals. "Part of the point is get these men unplugged from their phones, the internet and the rest of their lives long enough to create some space and see what emerges for them," Siegel says.
Siegel and Barr are hoping to lead two trips next summer. They may create a father/son excursion and are open to helping any group explore the possibilities. "We are looking for people who are at a transition point in their lives and who would find it helpful to get unplugged for a week and have a group of supportive folks to help them discern what the next steps might be," Siegel explains. "I felt great getting these men out there and sharing with them something I truly love. You gain such an appreciation for the cycles of life."
Visit Fly Fishing for the Soul at www.flyfishingforthesoul.com.

PREFERRED PROVIDERS: Monica Corrado, 'Simply Being Well'
We often say we would like to spend more time in the kitchen and less money on processed foods, but at the end of the day many Washingtonians choose faster options over nourishing lifestyle choices. Still, many of us would like to learn how to be more conscious about our food choices, as long as it's time-efficient. For those looking for new ways to make healthy cooking a part of daily life, PC&CC recommends whole food chef and wellness counselor Monica Corrado.
"I work with food that is closest to the source - that means whole grains, vegetables and meats straight from the farm - and I teach people how to cook them in ways that preserve, enhance, or unlock their nutrients," Corrado explains. "I try to help people be well through cooking. I call it 'cooking for wellbeing.' We learn about food, nutrients, and how to work with them in a way that nourishes the body."

Corrado launched one of the first organic catering companies in the Washington, DC area back in 2000. In making direct contact with farmers and researching nutrient-dense cooking, she learned the many techniques she now teaches others through classes and individual consultations.

     "My ideal client is someone who is tired all the time or under a lot of stress, people running around with busy lives but just don't feel good," Corrado says, adding that she particularly enjoys working with new parents learning to feed their babies healthy foods. She has helped people improve chronic conditions including depression and attention-deficit disorder, infant and childhood reflux, and female fertility issues through nutrient-dense dietary choices.
     Corrado sees such nutrition education as vital to ensuring the wellness of the next generation. "Many people who are in their 60s or 70s had the opportunity to be raised on nutrient-dense, whole foods. The next generations are walking around with what we call a 'compromised gut,' meaning the inability to digest and absorb the nutrients from our food, as well as eating food that is nutritionally inferior to those of prior generations, " she says. "The types of foods we're eating are all processed foods - I always say if it's in a box, a jar or frozen, it's enzymatically dead, which puts a strain on the pancreas and the whole body. Many people are just throwing vitamins and supplements at the problem, but if you don't eat foods that are prepared in a way that preserves their nutrients and makes them digestible, you're not going to absorb anything. It's a vicious cycle." She also notes that many children on the autistic spectrum and with learning issues are significantly affected by a changed diet and efforts to heal the digestive system.
     Her solution is to teach people about whole foods, how to work with them, and how it can be a simple addition to a typical week. "Once you learn the techniques, it really doesn't take that much time. I have a class that teaches people how to incorporate this into busy lives - you get a shopping list of what to always have on hand, what to buy that is fresh, how much time it takes to soak your beans and grains, how to add this into your schedule every week," Corrado explains.

Some upcoming courses will address how to prepare beans and whole grains, healthy desserts, and gluten-free baking. The gluten-free baking class is a must for anyone with celiac, wheat intolerances, or children on the autistic spectrum, Corrado says.
Visit Corrado's website at www.simplybeingwell.com for more information.

RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Weathering Holiday Stress
Giving thanks. Joy to the World. Peace on Earth. Festivals of Light. Goodwill to Men. While these wonderful holiday sayings and notions can warm our hearts and spirits, the reality is that often thanks, joy, and peace do not find their way into our own homes and lives during the holiday season. Instead, people feel overwhelmed with budget woes, long "to-do" lists, visiting relatives, and mall traffic. It's no surprise that as the holidays approach couples report an increase in relational tension and disconnection. Often times, it's the people we love most upon whom we "unload" or displace our holiday worries and anxiety.
One way to avoid or lessen some of the holiday stress is to set common priorities and realistic expectations as a couple before the holidays begin. It is important to make time to explore these holiday expectations and desires. Examine what is most important to each of you and then try to come up with two or three common priorities (i.e., attending worship services, staying within a budget, doing some form of holiday charity, hosting a neighborhood cocktail party). Remember during this conversation(s) that it is just as important to listen as to be heard. The key is to be preventative and not remedial. Having a conversation in early November about what is most important and realistic about the upcoming holidays promotes understanding and lessens the chance for the miscommunication and frustration that can occur "in the moment." Throughout the holiday season, remember to focus on the ones you love, honor your common priorities and attempt to be realistic about "all the other stuff."

- Cate Shea Riihimaki, M.Ed., LPC

PC&CC NEWS & NOTES

The QuarterLife+10 therapy group is for unmarried professionals in their mid-20s to mid-30s who want to explore issues related to work/career, personhood/identity, spirituality, relationships, and more, in a supportive, open environment. Group members begin exploring the questions, "Where am I now and where do I want to be in 10 years?" Please click here for more information or contact Nathan Gehlert at 202-449-3789 x716 or email him.
PC&CC's Bob Gordon received his certification as an Imago Relationship Educator. He has also joined the faculty of the Tai Sophia Institute's graduate program in Applied Healing Arts.
Dr. Joanne Comstock, Ph.D. plans to undertake further training through Loyola College in Maryland's new post-master's certificate track in Spirituality and Trauma beginning next spring.
Our "Getting the Love You Want" workshops for couples can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple's ongoing marriage counseling. Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The weekend course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next Washington, DC workshop will be Nov. 14-16. Click here for more information.