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November 2009 Vol. 3, Issue 10
Your connection to the latest news and information from PC&CC |
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TRADING PLACES:
BELIEFS AND MARRIAGE OUTCOME
By Beret Moyer, M.S.
Kate and Jack have been married for several years. At first, they adored each others’ differences and enjoyed spending time together. Jack loved Kate’s spontaneous ways, her casual style, her chatty out-going personality, and her ability to intuit other people’s intentions. And Kate loved Jack’s innate sense of order; she admired the way he managed his time and responsibilities, she felt safe with his quiet, intense manner, and she marveled at his ability always to see the glass half full. Now, those differences are almost intolerable for each of them.
Why? What happened? What happened to them and what happens to so many relationships over time? The very things that bring couples together seem to be the very things that distance them from each other later on. How can that be? The answer is complex, but for this article, the answer is: the heart.
Mitch Temple, in his book, The Marriage Turnaround, discusses the condition of our “hearts” as being linked to our view of self, God, and others. Proverbs 4:23 says: “Above all else, guard the condition of your heart; it is the well-spring of life.” The heart in this context is the seat of emotions, thinking, beliefs, and values, all of which affect self-perception and perceived needs. The “heart” needs to be examined in order to lead a healthy and mature life.
Jack loved Kate’s spontaneous ways at first, but in his childhood household, he remembers learning that order, punctuality, and planning were valued. As Kate and Jack became more and more familiar with each other’s ways, Jack’s unconscious childhood messages began to play: “Kate is being immature and irresponsible – SHE IS WRONG. My way is right.” And the power struggle for personal affirmation was on.
Likewise, Jack’s optimistic attitude buoyed Kate at first and gave her hope, but over the years, Jack’s breezy approach and the way he minimized issues began to feel dismissive and rejecting. She grew up in a family that believed in talking through problems as a family in order to support each other and find solutions. Jack liked to fix Kate’s problems rather than discuss them.
As time went on, Kate and Jack found more and more things to disagree and argue about, and found themselves emotionally disconnected. Their arguments and fights were an unconscious scream for help: “Listen to me! Understand my world! Value my viewpoint! MY WAY IS RIGHT! Love me! Hear me! See me! Me! Me! Me!”
The happy ending is that Kate and Jack recognized they were in trouble and took action to save their marriage. They found a committed couples’ counselor who taught them how to contain their own pain and frustration long enough to hear their partner’s story; they learned to identify their emotional reactions and follow them back to an early childhood wound; they learned that what they believed about life was a view from a point and not necessarily set in stone- that their partner’s beliefs, while different, were valid and made sense. They learned to re-connect, value each other’s differences, and eventually, even become each other’s advocate, the ultimate goal of a committed relationship.
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THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Kerley Perminio Most, MA
“A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
This wisdom from Ecclesiastes conveys the way Kerley Perminio Most views herself as a couples therapist. “I love to be a strong support when working with couples,” she explains. “Sometimes I’m allowed to just be that third strand, to be there as long as necessary. I can help strengthen the connection, and then they see that they will not break that they are strong enough to reach out to each other and it is just lovely.”
Most is an Imago-trained pastoral counselor who enjoys working with couples and families. “What I like the best about Imago [Relationship Therapy] is that the work is always between the couple,” she says. “I am not the focus of their concerns. They turn toward each other, not toward the therapist. I appreciate to be able to help in the moment, but also to offer skills so that when we are not together, they can still grow.”
Having been born in Brazil and spending much of her working life in Africa, Most brings an international perspective to her counseling work. “I have been blessed with a multicultural approach to life,” she reflects. “As far as I can remember I have found myself working across cultures. The diverse cultures of a South American urban context and in Guinea, where I lived for 11 years, with a community of expatriates – people from China, Sierra Leone, Europe, and more. My specialty really is to work with people of different backgrounds. Because of that I consider myself an expert in just talking to people and being patient with wherever they came from.”
Most found her way to pastoral counseling while planning a sabbatical from her missionary work in Africa. “I’ve been connecting people forever – I knew I wanted something that promoted hope, connection, and spirituality, and that’s why it appealed,” she says, noting that she enjoyed her graduate work and held internships at the DC Rape Crisis Center and PC&CC. “I am called to be in the business of connection. I can be with people and sometimes it’s not the best time of their lives, but I appreciate the potential of transformation, of sitting together and exploring life and possibilities. I love to see the light starting to shine."
In an effort at spreading that light, Most is spearheading a partnership between PC&CC and Peace Lutheran Church in Washington, DC’s Ward 7. She is planning to offer low cost and pro bono counseling services to teenage parents, the families of former inmates, and couples in this under-served part of the city. “I want to connect families in different ways, especially families who face the challenges of our urban communities,” she adds. Most is seeking insight and assistance from those in the Ward 7 community and the greater Washington area as she works to further her plans.
“I am passionate about God and fascinated about the miracle of healing, it comes anytime, anyway,” Most says. “I am also passionate about people and the mystery of being human, all our strengths and struggles. Most of all I am happy to hold a space of hope and transformation for my clients as I facilitate connection and practice it in my relationships with my husband and young son.”
Most works at PC&CC’s Capitol Hill office and may be reached at 202-229-3789 x708.
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REFERRAL CORNER: The Gratitude Attitude
Thanksgiving Day will soon be here. Originally, it was a national holiday set aside for giving thanks to God. Thanksgiving is an attitude or expression of gratitude or giving thanks, especially to God. Today it is too often the start of a season of frenetic activity, overeating and overspending. Reclaiming the original meaning of thanksgiving or gratitude can be healthy for mind, body and spirit.
Positive affects and positive emotional interactions are essential to physical and mental health. Positive emotions, such as gratitude, have been shown to increase immune, hormonal and cardiovascular functioning. They also improve mental alertness, behavioral flexibility, social interaction and an internal sense of well-being. (Transformational Affects and Core State in AEDP: the Emergence and Consolidation of Joy, Hope, Gratitude, and Confidence in (the Solid Goodness of) the Self, Russell, E. and Fosha, D., Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, Vol. 18(2), June 2008, pp. 167-190).
Gratitude is the experience of being thankful for all kinds of gifts in life. We may feel gratitude, for example, when given a material gift, encountering someone we love, or just thinking of the many blessings we have received throughout our life. Gratitude results from focusing our attention and appreciation on what is valuable and meaningful to us. (Lambert, N.M.; Fincham, F.D.; Braithwaite, S.R.; Graham, S.M.; Beach, S.R.H., “Can Prayer Increase Gratitude?”, Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, Vol. 1 (3), August 2009, pp. 139-149).
Three ways to prepare for Thanksgiving Day and increase the amount of gratitude you experience are prayer, journal lists and heart centered breathing. Including expressions of thanksgiving during times of prayer can increase our overall experience of gratitude. (Lambert et al). So can making a daily list of at least seven things – large or small – for which we are grateful or thankful. (Emmons, R.A. and McCullough, M.E., “Counting Blessings versus Burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life”; Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 84 (2), February 2003, pp. 377-389).
Heart-centered breathing can take a variety of forms (www.heartmath.com). To increase gratitude, focus on your heart as you breathe in and your solar plexus as you breathe out for 30 seconds or longer. Then for the next 30 seconds or longer, breathe gratitude in through your heart and out through your solar plexus. Once you feel the gratitude, notice where you feel it in your body and lock in the feelings of that positive attitude. Visualize building and storing the positive energy of gratitude. Then just relax into breathing gratitude for a few minutes (Transforming Stress, 2005, p. 103, by Doc Childre and Deborah Rozman).
Finally, I encourage you to take the time to be still and realize that you are a gift of God. Thank God for that gift.
Pastoral Counselor and Core Energetics practitioner Kathleen Scheg is available to help you further develop gratitude and other positive emotions as well as reduce negative emotions and recover from the trauma of a difficult childhood. She can be reached at 202-449-3789 ext. 710.
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RELATIONSHIP TIP OF THE MONTH: Getting to Know You
Recently I was invited to a bridal shower for a young woman who is marrying a member of my family. A version of the “Newlywed Game” was played as a form of entertainment. The groom had been asked a series of somewhat personal questions about his bride and their relationship prior to the shower, and the bride had to answer exactly as he did. If not, she was forced to chew a stick of gum. Her bridal party was quite ruthless and so she had a rather large wad of gum in her mouth at the end! (Try talking with a large wad of gum in your mouth).
What really struck me was how well the bride and groom actually knew each other. They had a level of intimacy which gave me an optimistic sense of what their relationship would be like after the wedding. It was a good reminder that safety and connection are necessary for intimacy, but not just in a newlywed stage of love. It is something that must grow and change over time with the different needs of the relationship. As I work with couples who have been in relationship much longer, we are striving to regain the sense of optimism, love, and intimacy and to remember the commitment they made to truly know one another.
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The
Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Center of Greater
Washington
7003 Piney Branch Road, NW | Washington DC, 20012
7 Convenient Locations in DC Metro Area
www.pastoralcounselingdc.com | 202-449-3789
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