Five Mistakes that Keep Couples from the Love They Want

No Matter How Long You've Been Together

     Many of us make the mistake of believing that relationship therapy is only about what our partners need to do, rather than considering what we can do to help our partners feel more connected. PC&CC’s Rebecca Sears has identified five common missteps that keep people from having the relationships they truly desire. “We all make mistakes in our relationships and we are most apt to do so when we are scared or somehow feel unsafe,” Sears says. “What makes us feel unsafe is anything that causes us to feel we have lost our connection with our partner…some rupture in the connection.”

     Sears has found that the following mistakes cause this loss of connection and leave us feeling lonely, disappointed, and frustrated:

     1. Thinking you can "retire" from your relationship. “Relationships need intentionality!” Sears explains. “Since intimate relationships are really about healing and growth, getting what we didn’t get earlier in life and growing into whole fully alive people, we must think about what helps the relationship.”

     2. Making interpretations and assumptions about your partner. Sears advises that people ask a question when they don’t understand what someone else means. “Don’t assume or make an interpretation. When we feel unsafe or triggered in our relationships we tend to make negative interpretations. Then we act on those interpretations and may lose further connection with our partners.” Sears notes that while the tendency to interpret is based on old survival instincts, we really don’t need such survival skills in today’s environment. “Interpretation and analysis invites our partner’s defensiveness. We want actions that invite safe connection,” she says.

     3. Believing there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way. Sears notes that one often can be right or one can have a relationship, and we’re all free to choose. “While most of us like to be right, this just sets up the other to be wrong, not a safe connecting experience for either partner,” she says. “In a conscious relationship, partners work at trying to see conflicting views as ‘different perspectives viewed through different lens.’”

     4. Saying what you don’t want rather than what you do want. Sears has found that focusing on the negatives in an interaction often triggers defensiveness, shame, or helplessness in our partners. “Learning the art of positive language and motivating through appreciation, rather than fear of conflict, is indeed an art and one built on years of practice,” she explains.

     5. Taking your conflicts and problems as a sign that you have the wrong or a bad relationship. Sears emphasizes that conflict is just change trying to happen. “You will not be attracted to a partner who doesn’t frustrate you, because there is no growth potential. It will become boring and your energy will go outside the relationship,” she says. “Work at being curious about your conflicts and seeing them as invitations to grow and stretch. Never think you don’t have to change. None of us is perfect yet, and our partners more than anyone can see those parts of us that need to change. The problem stems from the fact that we often use criticism or withdrawal to show us our growing edges, which invites our defenses rather than our curiosity.”

Retirement Living TV recently interviewed Sears about these common relationship mistakes. Click here for more information.

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THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Stacy Notaras Murphy, M.S., NCC

     PBS Senior Correspondent Ray Suarez could take a lot of the credit for Stacy Notaras Murphy’s current counseling work at PC&CC.

     While serving as the director of a year-long series on the connections between faith and work in 2000, Murphy invited Suarez to speak about how his personal beliefs coexist with his job reporting political news for public television. Trained as a journalist herself, Murphy was surprised to hear Suarez admit that his spiritual faith has an overt impact on how he views his vocation.

     “Majoring in journalism in college, they teach us to separate our personal beliefs from every aspect of our work. One professor even recommended that we never register with a political party or officially join a church, just to keep us free of any biases,” Murphy recalls. “But [Suarez] explained that while he never let his beliefs prejudice his political coverage, he would draw on them to maintain balance between his work and home life. I just had never thought about it in those terms.”

     Soon, Murphy recognized the speaker series project as a year-long reflection on how a person’s career need not be separated from her sense of belief, but instead could be bettered by it. When she decided to follow her call to become a mental health counselor, Murphy sought out a program that combined spirituality with clinical case work, and began her studies in pastoral counseling at Loyola College in Maryland. “Spiritual development always was a part of my personal philosophy, but it was restricted mainly to 'weekend moments.' With my work on the speaker’s series, it became more difficult for me to reconcile the enthusiasm for helping others with that Monday-through-Friday view of working culture. It was time for a change of direction,” she explains.

     In addition to receiving her master’s degree, Murphy finished the DC Rape Crisis Center’s sexual assault intervention training and served as a crisis counselor for three years. She also completed the Imago Relationship Therapy certification training, and has further instruction in motivational interviewing techniques and spiritual assessment administration.

     Today, Murphy works with a mix of couples and individual clients at PC&CC. She has special interest in sexual assault recovery, sexual identity reconciliation, and young adults facing adjustment and anxiety/depression issues. “The DC area attracts so many young adults just starting out in their careers and that time period often includes a lot of confusion and soul-searching,” she explains. “Many of my clients walk in realizing that the faith they grew up with isn’t necessarily fitting with the culture they’re living in, and they want some time to reconcile those things. I really am so honored to walk with them as they work through these big life changes. I think this time can be such a gift to the people they are on their way to becoming.”

     While maintaining her client caseload, Murphy also is a contributing writer for the American Counseling Association newspaper, Counseling Today. She says that preserving her reporting and writing skills has helped her build ties to the counseling community and stay aware of therapeutic trends. Among other topics, Murphy has written about counseling couples with infertility issues, Imago Relationship Therapy in Russia, and using spiritual assessment techniques in counseling. 

Murphy works at PC&CC's offices in Dupont Circle and Takoma Park. She may be reached at 202-449-3789 x713.

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PC&CC's PREFERRED PROVIDERS: Lisa Eaves, Acupuncturist at Heal-from-Within

     Those clients seeking healing through counseling also may benefit from alternative therapies that further explore the mind-body connection. PC&CC often recommends Lisa Eaves, a board-certified, licensed acupuncturist with offices in the District and Virginia.

     Eaves works with clients facing surgical rehabilitation, digestive disorders, migraines, arthritis, and other physical pain. She also treats women’s issues including symptoms and conditions related to infertility and menopause. Eaves studied fertility techniques at the Mind/Body Medicine Institute at Harvard Medical School. She is a member of the board of directors of metro-DC’s RESOLVE, a nonprofit network that supports and promotes awareness of infertility issues.

     Eaves’ Mind/Body Fertility Program of DC is a 10-week workshop modeled after Alice Domar’s popular program at Harvard Medical School. The workshop teaches participants to tap into their inner resources to increase a sense of peacefulness and control, aiming to improve the probability of pregnancy. Workshop members learn about the connection between stress and infertility, discover cognitive-behavioral strategies to enhance coping skills, and consider combinations of nutrition, exercise, and stress management.

For more information, visit Eaves’ at Heal-from-Within or call 202-244-2289.

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Relationship Tip of the Month

Taking Care of Your Relationship By Taking Care of Yourself

     If you sometimes feel drained by your relationship, you’re probably frustrated and angry because your needs aren’t being met. Instead of waiting for your partner to change so you can get what you want, take action yourself. Give yourself the nurturing you need! Go for a quiet drive, take a long walk, go fishing, play golf or tennis, get a therapeutic massage, or just spend some quiet time recharging your batteries. When you take good care of yourself, you’ll find that your partner is more thoughtful of you, too. The time you spend nurturing you also nurtures your relationship by giving you an abundance of energy to share with your mate.

-From The Little Book of Love Tips by Martha Beveridge

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PC&CC EVENT CALENDAR:

     Our next Washington DC “Getting the Love You Want" workshop for couples will be held Nov. 17-18. This workshop is for you if… 

• You want to enrich a good relationship;
• You are beginning a relationship you want to keep;
•  You are struggling with the relationship you have and want to resolve painful conflicts;
•  You are near breakup and want to decide if the relationship can be saved.

     Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The two-day course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. Click here for more information.