Soul Matters... September 2007

A Top 10 List for Relationship Change

Authentic Changes Can Start Today

It’s an obvious understatement: Improving relationships takes time and energy. But many of us often rush to judge our connections as “all good” or “all bad” before truly applying tools for change. At the same time, the thought of making changes at all may seem overwhelming. Imago Relationship Therapist Keith Miller has developed a top-10 list of practical actions that anyone can apply to make a positive shift in a relationship today.

Miller notes that “improvement isn’t always linear or clearly observed. Since the unconscious agenda of committed relationships is to help us finish growing up, don’t expect it all to happen overnight. It is a life-long journey. This being said, you can make a conscious choice to start on this path.”

First, Miller suggests that we (1) stop all forms of blaming, shaming, or criticizing our partner. “Criticism is the adult version of crying, our natural, built-in distress signal that we used to get our parents’ attention. As adults, our infantile shrieking comes out as words and we believe that inflicting our partners with pain will get them to meet our needs,” he says. Unfortunately, when we inflict such pain on our partners, it makes it more difficult for them to stretch and accommodate our needs at all. Next, Miller advises that we (2) not wait for our partner to guess what we need. “You won’t get what you really need from your partner unless you are willing to move into a conscious relationship; one in which you say what you need without inflicting pain,” he explains.

Then, Miller recommends that we offer (3) three-to-five caring behaviors for our partner every day with no strings attached. While most of us slow down our caring behaviors as our relationship ages, Miller notes that, “If left in a relationship devoid of caring behaviors, we find other things or people to give us pleasure, making an emotional separation that often flowers into real separation. You can change this. Start remembering what your partner likes, and start doing it. If you can’t remember, ask!”

Further, Miller advises couples to (4) close all “exits.” He defines opening an exit as withdrawing into another activity, rather than telling your partner what you need. Some common exits include affairs, work, children, and addictions. “The relationship won’t get better until you put your energy back within its bounds,” he adds. Miller also advises that each member in the couple take the time to (5) know yourself. “Your partner may be pushing your buttons, but how did your buttons get there in the first place?” he asks. “Take ownership of the way your unique experiences in life have left you hurt and reactive to certain things your partner does. Admitting that you are sensitive in some areas will necessarily induce you to become articulate about what you need rather than expecting someone else to figure it out for you.”

Rounding out Miller’s top 10 ways to improve your relationship are the suggestions that you should (6) remember that your partner is not an extension of you; (7) let the sun go down on your anger; (8) become a good listener; (9) receive attempts at repair; and (10) become the partner that you want to have. He advises that couples add a dose of patience to this process. “Change is possible in any relationship, but it requires dedication and persistence. If you have trouble implementing these principles on your own, consider investing in marriage therapy,” he says.

Keith Miller, MSW, is a couples’ therapist in Washington, DC. Read more of this article by clicking here.

THERAPIST SPOTLIGHT: Ginny Graham, M.S., Certified Spiritual Director

Ginny Graham could be the definitive prototype of the life-long learner.

A high school English teacher since 1988, Graham has reinvented her career path numerous times. “As I was developing as a teacher, my husband and I got involved in youth retreat work, and part of that was a weekly follow up meeting at our house. We would get a dozen or more teenagers at our house weekly and I ended up doing a lot of one-on-one work with them,” Graham recalls. “That experience catapulted me into doing spiritual direction for adults.” In 1999, she graduated from the Shalem Institute for Spiritual Formation in Bethesda and began her practice with adults.

Over the years of working with people, she said she began to notice the way that “developmental, emotional, behavioral issues dovetailed with their spiritual journey. I realized that to be responsible to my spiritual directees, I really needed more background on the psychological underpinnings of the human experience.” Graham says.

As a result, she returned to academia and received her masters in Pastoral Counseling at Loyola College in Maryland. “Loyola’s focus on integrating spirituality and psychology was a smoothing out process that validated her own life philosophy. “For me, my own spiritual growth and development has been centered on the notion that God isn’t just an idea, but a living reality. There are a lot of people out there who are struggling to see their problems in the context of God’s loving plan for them and I think this is a really important piece,” she says. “So many people equate God with perfection, but I like to stress that a loving God is much more about wholeness and completion. I think there’s a lot of rectifying to be done in trying to understand that conflict is very much a part of who we are as people. We grow not despite it, but because of it.”

An Imago-trained therapist with a strong base in Bowen family systems, Graham enjoys working with couples as well as individuals dealing with anxiety, depression and other life challenges. “I love helping all of my clients learn how to communicate better with each other and themselves. Growing in self awareness is the key here,” she says. Graham puts a high value on the way most of her clients very explicitly want to bring their relationship with God into the therapeutic process. “I love that God is part of the conversation in sessions. In this day and age, I’m impressed that people of faith very much want to integrate the psychological piece into their understanding of God’s design for us,” she says.

While Graham acknowledges that for some psychotherapy continues to carry a stigma, “I really am encouraged by how well my clients take to an integrated approach. Their openness to the process gives me hope for the world. I think there really is a hunger out there for people to know that their obstacles to God are workable. Working through life frustrations in therapy is cooperating with God’s pulling us toward greater fullness,” she says.

Graham works in PC&CC’s office in Alexandria, Va. She may be reached at 202-449-3789 x715.

REFERRAL CORNER: What to Expect from Therapy

If you have ever suggested that another person see a therapist, only to have him look shocked and never bring up his personal life again, you may have come up against the often unspoken stigma about counseling.

Many people have no idea what therapy means, beyond the sometimes skewed images presented on the news or in movies. They may fear the process entirely or expect that the counselor will act as fortune-teller, neither of which leads to a rich therapeutic experience. Becoming familiar with the counseling process can help guide those in need toward the right kinds of assistance, demystify the practice, and set appropriate expectations.

For treatment to work, the client and counselor must create a connected alliance different from those with friends and family. In his book, How to Go to Therapy, Carl Sherman notes that the therapeutic alliance must take place within boundaries that set it off from the rest of a client’s life. He offers the following points to help define this unusual relationship:

Separate Lives: “Ideally, your therapist is not someone you deal with socially, professionally, or in a business capacity….Generally, therapists stay out of your life – they won’t attend your wedding or join you in business ventures.”

Confidentiality: “Therapists are expected to expend considerable effort in maintaining the confidentiality of what transpires in the therapy room.” Maintaining confidentiality ranges from the appropriate disposal of session records to the refusal to confirm or deny to a third party that a client is in therapy.

Time: “The duration of each session should be clear (the ‘therapy hour’ is generally forty-five to fifty minutes), along with the matter of fees, manner of payment, and policy on missed sessions.”

Identifying Goals: “Among the dimensions of the therapy process you might want to establish at the outset are: What do you hope to accomplish in therapy? What is the treatment plan? How long will it take? How precisely these questions are answered will vary enormously, depending on the kind of therapy and the circumstances under which it is taking place….The therapist may propose an outline of what he expects to happen, but new goals are likely to emerge as therapy proceeds, and estimates of time are subject to constant revision. One question you have every right to pose, however is ‘How soon might I expect to feel better?’”

Please feel free to contact our PC&CC counselors us anytime for consultation.

-Information from How to Go to Therapy by Carl Sherman.

Relationship Tip of the Month

Romantic Drives the Key to Relationship Restoration?

For a couple, a back-country road can be restorative in ways that are tough to quantify.

“If you're working on a project together, like scaling a mountain or eve n gardening, it's a project with an objective and an end date,” says Stacy Notaras Murphy, a couples counselor with Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Centers of Greater Washington. “But if you're spending that time together taking things in passively, you can really focus on the connection between you and the person, so the project is your relationship, rather than the garden or the scaled mountainside.”

After racing between commitments for months, my husband and I realized our relationship was a little ragged around the edges . . . . Slowing things down during a romantic drive lets you be in the moment, whether you're finding a picnic spot or deciding which back road you'll explore next. “In the smaller moments,” Murphy says, “we remember why we made this relationship in the first place.”

-From Christie Findlay, “Roads to Love: Looking for an Inspiring Getaway?" The Washington Post, September 16, 2007

PC&CC EVENT CALENDAR:

– PC&CC's Rebecca Sears recently has been featured on Retirement Living Television's "Daily Café" program. Her next appearance will be Monday, Oct. 1, when she will discuss "The Five Biggest Mistakes to Keep Us From Getting the Love We Want." To find out more, click here.

– Our “Getting the Love You Want” workshops for couples can serve as excellent premarital preparation or as a way to supercharge a couple’s ongoing marriage counseling. Past attendees have described the experience as powerful, deeply spiritual, inspiring, and fun. The two-day course offers the equivalent of 6 months in couples counseling work. The next Washington, DC workshop will be Nov. 17-18. Click here for more information.